I'm no longer 21...

Since Mark and I got married, we started the New Years day tradition of going to Longhorn Steakhouse for dinner.  So at least once a year we get a steak dinner and get to go out.  Because you really do not know what is going to happen through the year, and since we had kids, we really do not go out like we used to.

Last year Mark's sister Jen and her soon to be husband Jason started to join us on this tradition.  It's always a good time, and it's always helpful to have an extra pair of hands around to help with children.  The only thing missing from the festivities this year was Peyton, Jason's daughter. 

Following an unspoken tradition, Jen and I got into some alcohole after dinner.  Not bad, since we each had a drink during dinner...  3 Jagar bombs and I'm going to take a guess at almost 15 shots (if not more) of pucker each, it was quite funny at my house.  Not really sure what was funny but we just looked at each other and laughed.  I'm pretty sure I have not done that since I was 23, full out drinking.  Now, Jen is 21 so I had to show her how it's done, since I was pregnant when her birthday rolled around...  I'm kind of proud of myself for not being completely gone after all that alcohole.  I say this, but remember, we did all this in a 2 hour time frame, so it hit us pretty quick.   I held my own, but I couldn't feel my legs.  And my lips were numb.  Thinking about it now I am giggling to myself.  We got goofy. 

But I really could not enjoy my wasted state.  This is the thing about being 28 and pretending your 21... It can't be done.  At least not for me.  When I was 21 I was in an unstable relationship, and enjoyed my drinking legally status.  I did not have children, did not have a husband to think about, it was just me, myself, and I.  When I was 21, I came home to my mom who helped me get into bed and gave me some advil and water and told me good luck, now, I can't even joke with her and pick on her for my acting like she did when she got wasted with her good friend Kelly.  When I got to drinking, I got to thinking - this I definately did not do when I was 21.  I got to thinking about my mom, and got to missing her even more than I ever have before (I was pregnant when she died, and I had another baby right away, so I never "drowned my sorrows" over her death), and I got to thinking about imperfections in my marriage.  None of this adds up to a happy day-after!  I also knew that when Jen and Jason left, Mark would fall fast asleep and I would have to take care of two children through the night if they woke up.  Talk about a buzz kill.  But at the same time, I'm so glad I'm 28 and not 21. 

I did only get 2 hours sleep through the night, and I did think about some things that were better left unthought about.  But at the end of the day, my children and the responsibility to take care of them, are most important in my life.  I wouldn't change a thing leading up to this moment in time.  Yes there are plenty of things I wish had never happened, but at the same time, they played no part in my kids just in what makes me who I am today.  Thinking made me realize that my insecurities are real, my goofiness is intact (a very welcome realization), my sense of self is important to me, and my children will always be the best thing I have ever done in my life. 

I'm no longer 21, and thank God for that!  Life is unfair and hard, but the rewards are there everyday... Just have to open your eyes and not dwell on all the negative.