Ever since my little brother was born I wanted to be a mom. I always thought I'd have a little girl and then a little boy. Theresa and Theodore. They were the names I was going to name my kids. As I got older and started to learn how things worked, I realized I couldn't have EVERYTHING the way I wanted it... But I wanted children someday.
I have been in many relationships. I've had guys dangle the love card, and the promise of children in front of me to keep me, and I fell for it, but in the end I had to be true to myself. I didn't want to have children with anyone I couldn't like and think fondly of at all times, and vice versa. I didn't want to be the crazy b*tch that he knocked up... I was very careful to not have children before I felt 100% ready for them.
When I met Mark it was talked about, we both wanted children "someday". I confessed to him that I was worried I wouldn't be able to have children, I just had that feeling that something wasn't right. My mom would often say I was making it up and that I'd be fine. Mark said the same thing, it'll happen when it's your time.
Well, low and behold I fell head over heals in love with Mark. He proposed, and we got married. The next logical step was to have a baby. After two months of marriage we decided to start trying. I had talked to my doctors about this and they were aware of my worries but not really worried on their end. When I did not get pregnant by October and my monthly cycle had stopped they were starting to get worried. I started taking a hormone to help my monthly start and it could also help getting pregnant. In November, over Thanksgiving, I found out I was pregnant. Talk about excitement. We told very few people, and a week after we found out, I had a miscarriage. Talk about putting on a brave face. My doctor had sent me for a blood test to confirm the pregnancy and she saw something abnormal in my blood, so she said we needed to do some tests.
I was put on hormone stimulants, hormone replacements, vitamins, I had tests and ex-rays done, it was miserable. After our one year wedding anniversary I was put on Fertility medication. After 5 months of this I was like I cannot take anymore of it, if I am going to get pregnant God will let it happen. I had to put my faith in Him because I was really starting to get into a depression, all I wanted was a baby, a part of me and a part of Mark. Mark and I started to live life for us, we had come to terms that maybe we wouldn't have a child, and if that were the case, we'd be happy with each other.
Guess what, in October I was pregnant! And I was so scared that it wasn't true. I got blood work done by my doctor and they had called and said the results were inconclusive and that I most likely had a false positive from the home test. I was so sure I was pregnant... I of course was upset but Mark said wait and take it again tomorrow. So I took another home test on that Sunday, and I was never so scared of anything in my life. Mark looked at it and said Yup your pregnant! Talk about going from scared to ecstatic in 3 seconds!!! My actual doctor called me that Monday and said that her assistant read the report wrong, I was definitely pregnant!
9 months later I had a beautiful healthy son, Hunter. I felt complete. But I had Post Pardon Depression, but at the time I didn't know it, so a lot of fights and misunderstandings took place all around. Hunter's first 6 months were a really hard adjustment for me, to learn to let others enjoy him also, and to relax and let others help. When I realized that nothing would fall apart if Mark and I went out for dinner and left him behind things evened out.
But once Mark and I talked about things, we both were scared I'd go back to having problems getting pregnant again, if we decided to have another. What do we do? So we decided to put it in God's hands again, and if I got pregnant than God wanted it, and if not then fine. We also both agreed no more fertility drugs! I'm an emotional roller coaster without the additional hormones running through me. Two weeks after we made this decision, I got pregnant. I found out Mid-February that I was pregnant again, and I almost fell off the toilet, the test was positive so fast! At first I started crying, and then I started laughing. I couldn't really believe it was happening again, and then I started to worry how Hunter would handle another baby in the house so soon! Doing the math he would be 15 months old when the second one was born. Mark I think was stunned.
Fast forward 9 months, and I had a healthy beautiful son, Ryan. Both boys were c-section deliveries. Ryan's delivery was planned, and it took 40 minutes and 8 needles to get my spinal done! After I had Ryan I was not in the mood to come back to the hospital to have another baby.
It was a smooth transition from one baby to two, at first. I still have times where I get overwhelmed and worry about if I planned them to close together. But Hunter is so proud of himself when he helps me with Ryan and Ryan smiles so big when he sees Hunter, I know I didn't do this wrong. I got a set of best friends, and troublemakers on my hands :)
I do still tend to feel anxious and worried about leaving my kids with anyone. Even if I do know I need time away for my sanity or that I need a date with my husband that's just us. It's really hard for me to let go and put the mom me aside and be the regular me for a few hours. I'm not worried that the boys won't get fed, or they won't sleep, or that they will cry when I leave, it's just that I feel lost without my boys.
I am a mom now. I'm no longer the girl I was when I got married. I'm now Mama, and Whaaa (Ryan saying mom). I'm still Sarah to my husband, but even he says I'm such a mom. My children really have defined who I am. I was always so unsure about being a bookkeeper, so scared to try a new job because I wasn't "sure" what I wanted to be, I wasn't comfortable in my own skin because I was always second guessing everything about myself... But when it comes to being a Mom, I really do feel like "I got this". I'm confident in my job as a mom, I can handle two screaming kids at one time, I have that stare that my mom had where you couldn't pull no shit on her, I got that now. Hunter and I have our own language our own jokes, and Ryan and I do too, even though he is only 3 months old. I wouldn't ever give back my kids, or give away my responsibility to them, if anything I am so thankful to them, because they have made me a stronger person, and have proved to me that I really can do anything I want to do, even if it takes years to do it.
Because ever since I was 5 years old, I wanted to be a mom.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
I'm no longer 21...
Since Mark and I got married, we started the New Years day tradition of going to Longhorn Steakhouse for dinner. So at least once a year we get a steak dinner and get to go out. Because you really do not know what is going to happen through the year, and since we had kids, we really do not go out like we used to.
Last year Mark's sister Jen and her soon to be husband Jason started to join us on this tradition. It's always a good time, and it's always helpful to have an extra pair of hands around to help with children. The only thing missing from the festivities this year was Peyton, Jason's daughter.
Following an unspoken tradition, Jen and I got into some alcohole after dinner. Not bad, since we each had a drink during dinner... 3 Jagar bombs and I'm going to take a guess at almost 15 shots (if not more) of pucker each, it was quite funny at my house. Not really sure what was funny but we just looked at each other and laughed. I'm pretty sure I have not done that since I was 23, full out drinking. Now, Jen is 21 so I had to show her how it's done, since I was pregnant when her birthday rolled around... I'm kind of proud of myself for not being completely gone after all that alcohole. I say this, but remember, we did all this in a 2 hour time frame, so it hit us pretty quick. I held my own, but I couldn't feel my legs. And my lips were numb. Thinking about it now I am giggling to myself. We got goofy.
But I really could not enjoy my wasted state. This is the thing about being 28 and pretending your 21... It can't be done. At least not for me. When I was 21 I was in an unstable relationship, and enjoyed my drinking legally status. I did not have children, did not have a husband to think about, it was just me, myself, and I. When I was 21, I came home to my mom who helped me get into bed and gave me some advil and water and told me good luck, now, I can't even joke with her and pick on her for my acting like she did when she got wasted with her good friend Kelly. When I got to drinking, I got to thinking - this I definately did not do when I was 21. I got to thinking about my mom, and got to missing her even more than I ever have before (I was pregnant when she died, and I had another baby right away, so I never "drowned my sorrows" over her death), and I got to thinking about imperfections in my marriage. None of this adds up to a happy day-after! I also knew that when Jen and Jason left, Mark would fall fast asleep and I would have to take care of two children through the night if they woke up. Talk about a buzz kill. But at the same time, I'm so glad I'm 28 and not 21.
I did only get 2 hours sleep through the night, and I did think about some things that were better left unthought about. But at the end of the day, my children and the responsibility to take care of them, are most important in my life. I wouldn't change a thing leading up to this moment in time. Yes there are plenty of things I wish had never happened, but at the same time, they played no part in my kids just in what makes me who I am today. Thinking made me realize that my insecurities are real, my goofiness is intact (a very welcome realization), my sense of self is important to me, and my children will always be the best thing I have ever done in my life.
I'm no longer 21, and thank God for that! Life is unfair and hard, but the rewards are there everyday... Just have to open your eyes and not dwell on all the negative.
Last year Mark's sister Jen and her soon to be husband Jason started to join us on this tradition. It's always a good time, and it's always helpful to have an extra pair of hands around to help with children. The only thing missing from the festivities this year was Peyton, Jason's daughter.
Following an unspoken tradition, Jen and I got into some alcohole after dinner. Not bad, since we each had a drink during dinner... 3 Jagar bombs and I'm going to take a guess at almost 15 shots (if not more) of pucker each, it was quite funny at my house. Not really sure what was funny but we just looked at each other and laughed. I'm pretty sure I have not done that since I was 23, full out drinking. Now, Jen is 21 so I had to show her how it's done, since I was pregnant when her birthday rolled around... I'm kind of proud of myself for not being completely gone after all that alcohole. I say this, but remember, we did all this in a 2 hour time frame, so it hit us pretty quick. I held my own, but I couldn't feel my legs. And my lips were numb. Thinking about it now I am giggling to myself. We got goofy.
But I really could not enjoy my wasted state. This is the thing about being 28 and pretending your 21... It can't be done. At least not for me. When I was 21 I was in an unstable relationship, and enjoyed my drinking legally status. I did not have children, did not have a husband to think about, it was just me, myself, and I. When I was 21, I came home to my mom who helped me get into bed and gave me some advil and water and told me good luck, now, I can't even joke with her and pick on her for my acting like she did when she got wasted with her good friend Kelly. When I got to drinking, I got to thinking - this I definately did not do when I was 21. I got to thinking about my mom, and got to missing her even more than I ever have before (I was pregnant when she died, and I had another baby right away, so I never "drowned my sorrows" over her death), and I got to thinking about imperfections in my marriage. None of this adds up to a happy day-after! I also knew that when Jen and Jason left, Mark would fall fast asleep and I would have to take care of two children through the night if they woke up. Talk about a buzz kill. But at the same time, I'm so glad I'm 28 and not 21.
I did only get 2 hours sleep through the night, and I did think about some things that were better left unthought about. But at the end of the day, my children and the responsibility to take care of them, are most important in my life. I wouldn't change a thing leading up to this moment in time. Yes there are plenty of things I wish had never happened, but at the same time, they played no part in my kids just in what makes me who I am today. Thinking made me realize that my insecurities are real, my goofiness is intact (a very welcome realization), my sense of self is important to me, and my children will always be the best thing I have ever done in my life.
I'm no longer 21, and thank God for that! Life is unfair and hard, but the rewards are there everyday... Just have to open your eyes and not dwell on all the negative.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Ready for 2012!
I have always hated celebrating the New Years holiday, mostly because all my younger life, December 31st was my dad's birthday, therefor not a holiday to go out and celebrate. But now that I'm all grown up, it's still just another day. Since meeting my husband though, I have started to celebrate/toast off the passing year.
On December 31, 2007 I toasted to a beautiful wedding, and a start to some other dreams in my future. Our wedding was everything I wanted and had planned it to be, and Mark and I were doing very good.
On December 31, 2008 I toasted to hopefully getting pregnant. I got pregnant in October 2009.
On December 31, 2009 I toasted to a healthy baby and wonderful family time. I got the healthy beautiful baby in July 2010 - the wonderful family time, not so much... this is where the curse started for me! In May 2010 my mom died from schleroderma. My world quite literally fell apart. If I had not been 7 1/2 months pregnant, I'm not sure I'd have made it through. A lot of hateful and hurtful things came out of my mom's death, and people's opinion of me and my person, and it made it really hard to move forward, when finally I had to walk away. Definitely not an easy decision and one I'm pretty sure my mom would hate me for, but I could only take so much. I wish things had not escalated to where they did, but it happened, and you can only move forward if it's to be repaired. Living in the past and holding onto the hurt, is not healthy, unfortunately something you only learn with time.
On December 31, 2010 I toasted to continued health of my son, and hope to further my family brood, and to quit my job. In February 2011 I found out I was pregnant again, and in October 2011 my second healthy beautiful son was born. In April 2011 I was able to quit and be a stay-at-home mom. But this year also had it's share of downfalls. Only thing was I couldn't please anyone that was involved in the differences of opinions. My marriage almost fell apart, my sense of worth was shattered, and I held on stronger and stronger to my children, who had become my saving grace.
Today on December 31, 2011 I'm toasting to a new start, health upon my children and loved ones, strength to never be less than true to myself, and the pride to not give a damn what others think. I have learned so much about myself this year, and while I'm glad I learned these things both good and bad about myself, I just wish I had learned them under totally different circumstances.
In 2012, I'm going to be proud of who I am, and where I come from. If I have to change who I am to be a part of your life, then I'm not important enough to be a part of it. And I want to quit judging others (it's not my job) and accept them for who they are.
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them" - Mother Teresa
On December 31, 2007 I toasted to a beautiful wedding, and a start to some other dreams in my future. Our wedding was everything I wanted and had planned it to be, and Mark and I were doing very good.
On December 31, 2008 I toasted to hopefully getting pregnant. I got pregnant in October 2009.
On December 31, 2009 I toasted to a healthy baby and wonderful family time. I got the healthy beautiful baby in July 2010 - the wonderful family time, not so much... this is where the curse started for me! In May 2010 my mom died from schleroderma. My world quite literally fell apart. If I had not been 7 1/2 months pregnant, I'm not sure I'd have made it through. A lot of hateful and hurtful things came out of my mom's death, and people's opinion of me and my person, and it made it really hard to move forward, when finally I had to walk away. Definitely not an easy decision and one I'm pretty sure my mom would hate me for, but I could only take so much. I wish things had not escalated to where they did, but it happened, and you can only move forward if it's to be repaired. Living in the past and holding onto the hurt, is not healthy, unfortunately something you only learn with time.
On December 31, 2010 I toasted to continued health of my son, and hope to further my family brood, and to quit my job. In February 2011 I found out I was pregnant again, and in October 2011 my second healthy beautiful son was born. In April 2011 I was able to quit and be a stay-at-home mom. But this year also had it's share of downfalls. Only thing was I couldn't please anyone that was involved in the differences of opinions. My marriage almost fell apart, my sense of worth was shattered, and I held on stronger and stronger to my children, who had become my saving grace.
Today on December 31, 2011 I'm toasting to a new start, health upon my children and loved ones, strength to never be less than true to myself, and the pride to not give a damn what others think. I have learned so much about myself this year, and while I'm glad I learned these things both good and bad about myself, I just wish I had learned them under totally different circumstances.
In 2012, I'm going to be proud of who I am, and where I come from. If I have to change who I am to be a part of your life, then I'm not important enough to be a part of it. And I want to quit judging others (it's not my job) and accept them for who they are.
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them" - Mother Teresa
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)